Wijvenweek: what men don't get


i. claims that men always look for a purpose in their actions. Just phoning a friend to see how he's doing is not done: you phone them to arrange a meeting or to ask something. Not just to have a conversation how they are doing.
And in case they do have such a conversation, they look for problems to solve.

Just imagine yourself coming home after a tough day. You had a big discussion with your boss or your supplier screwed it up again or a friend misunderstood something you said or a passer-by made some nasty remark out of the blue, .... It's been weighing on you since it happened. Confusing thoughts whirle in your mind. You feel hurt, upset, defensive, angry... and mostly tired by the emotions.

And then you phone him, chat with him online or come home to him and you start talking about what happened.

Men don't always get that we just want to tell our story at that moment. That we didn't throw out a question "how should I have handled this differently? How should this situation get solved.".
Nope, we are merely looking for someone who wants to listen to what has been bothering us.
We're not interested at that very moment in suggestions to make it up, to use our social networks at work, to defend our position , the arguments to use ...
Nope we'd like to hear at this moment our supplier truly is an amateur, that our boss might have overreacted a bit, that this passer-by is some kind of jerk, that it's understandable we feel troubled by it (even maybe they'd really not be troubled over such a thing)...
We don't want to hear questions that surely we have answered X and Y this and this (which we didn't as we were fighting tears at that very moment), that you don't have to let such things get you, ...
Nope we'd just like a listening ear and a hug.

And then afterwards, after we've found our safe place were we can come to as we are : confused , troubled, hurt, ... then we can come to rest, take some distance, feel safe and understood. And then we are ready to talk about solutions and suggestions for this situation that clearly went wrong. And laugh about our own emotional exaggeration of the situation. And feel stronger for the next time it might happen. The we are ready for all that, but not earlier.

Comments

Oh, you are SO right on all of this! There's sociological research that backs you up, too.
You hit the nail on the head. That is exactly how women handle things. That's why sometimes I call my mom or best friend before bringing something to my husband- just so I can get all the emotions out before trying to find a solution.
Jennifer said…
:) inderdaad een beetje uitgebreider, maar dezelfde waarheid.
sari said…
Yes, sometimes I just want to get it all out, then think about it later on.