Losing someone in a pandemic (light) lockdown

The entire year I've been thinking about the many people that have lost a dear one this year and weren't able to say goodbye as we were used to.  People that died alone without their loved ones nearby.  Lonely funerals etc. It seemed something horrible to live through. 

I lost one of my Canadian host father's who died all alone as his wife wasn't allowed to travel with him in the ambulance and the funeral didn't happen until weeks/months later when the lockdown measures were released a little.  Can you imagine losing someone and not being able to say goodbye (right away). It seemed insane but possible in 2020.

We've lost so many people in 2020.  In Belgium there is an excess mortality of 15000 people this year which is more or less in line with the reported COVID-19 deaths. 15000 funerals, a lot of them small and regulated. 

And then we lost a (grand) father (-in-law) ourselves.  All of a sudden we had to organize a funeral with all the pandemic restrictions ourselves. We didn't lose him through COVID-19, thank goodness so the family was allowed to see him and say goodbye afterwards. 

The regulations allowed 

- before we lost him: 1 of the 3 children to visit inside at home
- once we lost him and my mother-in-law was a widow alone:  2 of the 3 children can enter the house (while one of them still has to take social distance measures). 
When we got the fatal phone call at night, strictly we were under curfew and could not leave the house to go.   Before or after the funeral we could not get together, not even with the core family. 

Well let me say you can't do that.  It's inhumane. 

But I do realize we are not in a situation to do whatever we want.  The risk is too big, and you don't want to create a drama after the drama.  I know it happens: in October our village in east-Belgium was top 3 of infections with 6% of the population contaminated in a week's time...after there had been apparently among other a huge funeral with 200 attendants (against the rules).  So it is a struggle to keep it as safe as possible and as much within the rules as possible while ensuring enough gathering and comfort in these times of mourning and loss. 

We were allowed to have a funeral service with 15 adults attending and no gathering afterwards.  It's remarkable how that rule fell different for different people. To some it was actually a relief not having to organize a big gathering, meals, not having to face a big crowd and "tourists".  To me, it felt lonesome.  I missed the physical presence of so many people that care.  The church was so empty to me. We were seated per family on a row with a lot of space in between:  one for us, one for Jan's sister's family and his mother and one for Jan's brother's family and a few selected aunts and uncles that had lonely seats behind us as lonely islands that were spread out.  The contrast of my father's full church was enormous.  I felt the pressure of emptiness in my back. It would have comforted me slightly if the service would have been broadcast on the internet and if I would have known more family & friends were watching from distance, but that was not the case.  I missed the rituals of a full church raising up when the coffin arrives as a big last welcome and the emotional raising when the coffin leaves the church as a huge guard of honour. Thankfully 15 people allowed us to have the core family together which obviously is the most important. The people closest to him could write and read texts, light candles and form a big circle around the coffin.  Thankfully there was music that touched my heart as always. 

To me it made it painfully clear how I need the presence and support of many to mourn (while at the same time I seek silence and solitude).  Grief and social distancing don't match. Let's hope we won't need to say goodbye anymore in the near future.